This blog can't be all about loss and grief. We are in a hopeful state, right now. We saw a heartbeat this time! First, very early, when the ultrasound amended my due date and moved me from 6 to 5 weeks pregnant. Then, again, at 9 weeks, the baby had grown and the heartbeat was strong. This, we had not seen in the past two pregnancy losses - by 9 weeks there was no heartbeat to observe. So, we became hopeful.
It was time to tell our other kids. It has become difficult to keep this secret from them, anyway. I am sick most days, and napping all the time. A day or two of that might be explained away, but now it has been about 3 weeks. Also, after 9 prior pregnancies (4 of them full term), my body didn't need long to remember the expanded shape. My hips have already grown several inches in circumference and none of my pants or skirts fit, even remotely. I am running out of sheath dresses to wear.
I was apprehensive about how they would take the news. After all, our house is already full. Our lives are stretched thin, our bedrooms are shared. Would they be excited to make room for a new sibling? Also, they all felt quite keenly the pain of miscarriage, last year. We had a month to dream together as a family about our new baby before we learned that he or she would never join us. Would they be reluctant to open their hearts again?
I told them at the dinner table, matter-of-factly. But I did glance around as my announcement sank in, quickly for the older ones and more slowly for the younger one. I was so relieved to see that each of them, in turn, as they came to understanding, broke into a genuine smile.
The questions came later. Those were fair. Each in their own way, they wanted to know, would this baby die, also? I had to be honest with them - I have no guarantees. Things look very hopeful, but babies are fragile. All we can do is pray, and hope, and wait, and trust in God. They were all okay with that. I think kids are often stronger than we give them credit for.
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